It’s kind of scary to be awesome.

IMG_3440A lot has changed since I started CrossFit. I’ve worked on weaknesses, faced fears, and gotten stronger. But, probably the biggest change is in how I perceive myself.

I’ve never been a particularly self-confident person. Sure, there were things I knew I was good at. But, for the most part, and especially when it came to anything sport, exercise, or fitness-related; I always told myself there was someone better.

So, when I started CrossFit, I took with me the same mentality I always had. I was doing well just to be there, I would never really be “good” at it (whatever that means), and of course, everyone else was better than me. I gave myself excuses and reasons as to why I didn’t need to try too hard or push too far out of my comfort zone.

But lately, I’ve noticed something is happening. Something is changing. Not only do I feel stronger than ever before (which is AWESOME), I’m no longer counting myself out. I’m starting to realize how far I’ve come. The months of hard work and attacking my weaknesses day in and day out are paying off. I’m starting to come away from WODs (not all of them, mind you, but some) feeling like “man, I crushed that.”

CrossFit, for me, has always been about doing scary things. At first, that meant just showing up. The very act of going to CrossFit scared the living daylights out of me. But pretty soon it wasn’t scary anymore. So I had to find newer, bigger, scarier things to do. Like learning how to climb a rope. And do handstands. And toes to bar. And compete. And get a strict pull-up.

And, in the week ahead, I’m tackling two of the biggest, scariest things yet: RX Fran (remember my post pull-up goals? Yeah. The time has come) and an Oly Lifting Meet.

Fran still scares the living daylights of me. I just feel so unprepared, and want to throw up and/or curl up in the fetal position when I think about attempting it RX.

And, the other day, as I was hanging on the bar, working on kipping, I had a thought:

“CrossFit was way easier when I couldn’t do anything/didn’t believe I could do anything.”

Back when I started out, self confidence was low, and my strength and skill were lacking, it was easy to give myself a way out. After all, I couldn’t do it anything. I knew I didn’t have the strength I needed, so why bother trying. Excuses were easier to make and believe when I thought I didn’t have what it took to achieve my goals.

But I’m not buying that anymore. I still don’t quite believe who I am or where I am now, but I’m looking back at months of hard work and dedication and seeing what I can do. I know how capable I am, how strong I am, and I won’t accept my excuses anymore. Scarier still, I know that I have coaches who won’t accept them either. I know that they, too, know what I am capable of, and will push me to me limit (and then some), to help me get there.

And that’s scary.

Believing you can’t takes no guts at all. Making excuses and counting yourself out is the easy way out. You protect yourself from failing by putting yourself down before you even begin. And sure, you might not fail, but you sure as heck aren’t growing or getting anywhere either.

Stating your big goals out loud might scare the living daylights out of you. And yes, when other people hear them, they’ll know if you don’t succeed. You might fail spectacularly. But without the risk, there’s no reward.

And so, I might not feel ready. But I’m trusting myself. I’m trusting my coaches. I’m trusting my training. I know the hours, days, and months of hard work I’ve put in. I’m not giving in to the cop out of “I can’t” anymore, because I’ve proven to myself that I can.

I’m still scared. But another thing I’ve learned over the past year and a half is that most things in life that are worth doing are scary.

So I’m taking a deep breath, uncurling myself from the fetal position, holding back the urge to throw up, and taking the plunge.

…stay tuned to see what happens next…

*If you’ve been following along with nutrition posts 1 and 2, don’t worry, there’s still more to come. I just thought I’d take a break.

PS: Who’s been watching Regionals? LOVING it. Except maybe event 3 (I’m sorry, I tried, I just can’t get behind that Trueform Runner (aka glorified treadmill)…and it is SO. LONG. TO. WATCH. Plus, I can’t even imagine how demoralizing it is to do! And sumo deadlift highpulls? Really? 50? Is that necessary?!?!) And my Canadian home girl Michele Letendre was just crushing it at the East this past weekend. How can you not love her?

Any favourite events/athletes so far?


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